This is the recipe handed down to us from Kevin Conway many years ago. It has since been bastardized, permutated and resulted in the deaths of many defenseless animals.
Gumbo is not about finesse, exact measurements, or happiness. It is about pain.
It is also about having fun. One time we just put a whole fucking ham in the pot. One time I accidentally confused protein powder for flour. One time Conway put in like a gallon of oil, and everyone threw up. Good times.
- 4-6 Large cans tomato-based pasta sauce
- okra (2 frozen packs or 3-4 cups fresh)
- butter or bacon fat (1/2 cup)
- flour (1/3 cup ish)
- 1 club pack sausages (1 kg)
- 1 club pack boneless chicken thighs (1 kg)
- 1 club pack ground beef (1 kg)
- Satan’s Blood hot sauce (4-8 drops) (or another hot sauce with 800,000 Scoville units)
- huge fucking pot (or like 3 Dutch ovens) (I can fit a 6 year-old in mine)
- frying pans
What Julia Adds
What I add is entirely based on mood and the contents of my kitchen. But here’s an idea:
- chipotles (whole can, with the adobo sauce)
- bacon (500g)
- brown sugar (1 cup)
- soy sauce (1/2 cup)
- garlic powder
- pepper, salt
I usually relegate meat-browning to my sous-chefs and deal with the sauce while the meat is browning. If you are doing this alone, fuck your life.
If you are using several small pots to make your gumbo, I suggest altering the seasoning and spice ratios. It’s fun and some of your guests will appreciate having less spicy gumbo. And some people want to get their asses blasted.
Cooking the Meat
- The meat needs to be fried a bit first before it goes in the pot. Set down some frying pans: I usually use two big ones. Preheat your elements to medium. Throw a little oil or bacon fat in there.
- I do not cut before frying. You’re just browning, so it’s easier if everything is whole. Remember to pierce your sausages with a fork to prevent explosions.
- Add chicken to one, and sausage to the other. I usually keep chicken separate from sausages, because they have diff cooking times. I start with the chicken and sausages, and then just cook the ground beef while I’m cutting up the cooked chicken/pork. Ground beef don’t need no cutting.
- Brown your damn meat. DO NOT cook all the way through. Chicken, beef, pork should all remain pink inside.
- Now you need to cut your chicken into cubes and your sausage into disks. Yes, they will be hot. I highly suggest getting some slaves to help you cut everything. It takes forever.
Getting the Sauce Ready
- Put your huge fucking pot down and preheat on medium-low. Or put your two-three pussy Dutch Ovens down. The Dutch, as always, are scum.
- Add your butter/bacon fat. Let it get melty. DON’T WANDER OFF.
- Slowly whisk in your flour. You should be getting a paste, but one that is still liquidy. A legit roux should be thick, but this recipe isn’t that kind of legit.
- Pour in all your tomato sauce.
- Add sugar, spices, soy sauce, chipotles, other jazz. Stir.
- Add Satan’s Blood. CAREFULLY. If I am using my mega pot, I put in like 4-6 drops. I’m also usually adding chipotles and stuff. I believe Bryan does more like 8 drops. Stir.
- Add meat. Stir.
- Lower heat to low. Let simmer uncovered for at LEAST 2 hours. Please. If you can let it go for 4-5, that would be best. Stir it occasionally. Scrape the bottom to make sure it’s not burning.
Choosing Your Ingredients
Get the cheapest damn shit you can find. I get just Loblaws/Costco beef, sausage and chicken thighs. Don’t spend the money on chicken breast or grain-fed halal veal. You are about to coat that shit in ass-burning hot sauce and let it sit in a pot of tomato sauce for 5 hours.
I don’t really add veggies, except the okra. Sometimes I add spinach. Usually not.
I usually get frozen okra because fresh okra is harder to find. Using fresh okra is nicer, but well, see above.
We usually get 4-6 large cans of Hunt’s tomato sauce or like 2 huge things of basic Prego. I like getting unseasoned tomato sauce and adding my own seasoning. But feel free to get pre-seasoned sauce if you’re not sure how to match up different seasonings.
If you think I make my own tomato sauce for this, you haven’t been getting the theme of this recipe and you need to leave.
There are a million ways to season all this, but remember: the Satan’s blood is going to cover the taste of everything. Please don’t bother with fresh basil, etc. Don’t think about “subtle notes of thyme.”
What I do is pick a generic slightly racist theme like “Fasian”, or “that area of America with Spanish names” and stick with that as a baseline. Don’t mix fucking curry with rosemary and thyme. That’s for big kids.
Hot Sauce/Other Spicy Shit
As a tradition, we always use Satan’s Blood. Satan’s blood has 800,000 Scoville units. Tabasco sauce has 2,500–5,000 SHU. From wiki: “The Scoville scale is a measurement of pungency, the “spicy heat” of chili peppers. The number of Scoville heat units (SHU) indicates the amount of capsaicin present.”
Satan’s Blood is hot as balls. You CANNOT touch it with your hands/face/cock. You will be adding 2-8 drops or so, depending on how hot you want it and whether you are cooking in one huge pots or a bunch of little ones.
You will need to hit up a speciality hot sauce store for this or a similar product. No amount of Tabasco will compare.
If I have spicy peppers in the house, I usually also throw them in, because I’m an asshole, but there is no real need to add extra spice.
Why Do I Need Flour??
Because you will be making a roux, you barbarian fuck.
A roux is a mixture of fat (butter, lard, bacon fat) and flour which acts as a thickening agent and helps stop the bottom of your pot from burning.
Many of you will be surprised to see that there is no cheese in the recipe. I add grated cheese on top of my bowl when it’s done. I don’t add it to the pot because I don’t know what would happen if cheese cooked for 5 hours. And because this stuff already plays hell on your digestion, so in honour of my lactose intolerant friends, I don’t add extra dairy.
About Adding Bacon
Bacon is awesome, but often gets lost in this clusterfuck. If you are adding bacon, get the thick cut stuff. You will also need to cook it before adding it to the pot. I always broil my bacon. The really hard part is not overcooking it first. It will cook more in the pot, but unlike the chicken, etc, if it’s too raw, it just kinda boils and gets sad and floppy. So you want to pre-cook it until it’s nice and red and a lot of the fat is cooked. Don’t go crispy.